When a couple has a conflict, it simply means they were out of alignment with one another for a moment. Then programs and patterns kick in and tend to make that gap bigger instead of bringing you back together. When you have a conflict, instead of trying to prove a point, be right, try to force your partner to understand where you’re coming from, how about you simply ask yourself: “How can we realign with each other right now? What would it take for me to reconnect with my partner, in a loving way right now?” And then take action to make that happen.
Now, to take action in realignment means you have to put ego aside. You have to let go of being right, of being heard, or even understood. Why? Because all of those wants come from ego and only create more discord. The ego aspects of yourself are often fragments of a wounded inner child wanted to be loved and demanding they get the attention right now from your partner that you didn’t get at some point from your parents during your childhood. We bring our woundedness into our relationships and subconsciously expect our partners to heal that in us. Well, that’s not your partner’s job or responsibility to do that. It’s yours. Whomever raised you may have caused wounds, patterns and programs that need to be healed, but that responsibility doesn’t shift from your parents to your partner as you become an adult. It shifts to you.
You’re the one that has the inner power to heal and love all aspects of yourself that didn’t get the love that you needed during different times throughout your childhood. When we expect our partner (or anyone else) to make us feel better when we’re low, we’re denying our own power and handing it over to someone else. And then we attach unrealistic expectations that they’ll know exactly what to do and how to do it so that we’ll feel better. This is insane. To master yourself means to step into your power and heal yourself. It means to gain the willingness and devotion to look at your own patterns that are loveless, or that reflect woundedness and love them into transcendence. It means the willingness to own how we sabotage ourselves and our partner during a conflict and instead to let it all go and choose to lovingly realign. When we blame our partner during conflicts, we’re often blaming our parents for a childhood incident and subconsciously scapegoating that onto our partner, expecting a different outcome, as well as reliving an old experience over and over and over again. When we do this we create misalignment, and can slowly drift farther apart instead of closer together, over time.
So, when you have your next conflict can you choose to just let it go and lovingly realign instead? Can you choose to let go of any expectations that your partner respond or behave in a different way, other than the way that they are? Most likely your partner is also just playing out their own woundedness. So what if this time, instead of playing out old patterns, you just loved your partner and yourself through it? You just peacefully give yourself and your partner the one thing you’re both yearning for deep down inside: unconditional acceptance for who you are, even in your ugly moments. That’s all you wanted from your parents when you were little. And truthfully, that’s all you want from your partner now. But a deeper Truth is that you’ll probably never receive that in your relationship unless and until you learn how to do that for yourself. This is what Self-love and empowerment are all about: to become the things we wish we were receiving from another.
Conflict resolution isn’t about implementing strategies. It’s about finally loving oneself at a depth you haven’t yet experienced in this lifetime. This is what it means to be in a thriving relationship. It doesn't mean they are free from challenges.Thriving relationships are a commitment to heal and rise above one's own woundedness, and free yourself and your partner from acting out the cycle of loveless patterns.
If you want assistance in learning how to do this, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to show you how. Be sure to share this with others! And if you know of a couple that's struggling, send them my way!
With love & power,
CEO: The Masters of Self Coaching