We often give love freely when someone is doing something that we “approve of”, or that “makes us happy”. Parents do this to their children all the time. ‘Wow, how amazing! You got an A! You came in first place!” We tend to withhold love, and worse, even judge and criticize others when they behave in a way that we don’t like or don’t approve of. Again, parents do this all of the time with their children, and you most likely had this done to you when you were a child. So children learn to only give love during certain times; typically when you are successful, winning, or achieving in a way that was defined to you as success, an achievement, or winning.
So when a child fails a test, where’s the love vs. disappointment or even punishment? To love your child through that means to sit in nonjudgmental Presence with whatever emotions may be coming up for your child. Disappointment. Shame. Feeling of failure. Feeling of not being good enough. Feeling stupid. Feeling inferior, or whatever else may be coming up. You teach your child how to drop into their heart space and love those sad feelings of inadequacy until they dissolve and are no longer apart of their emotional body. Then, and only then, should there be a collective conversation about
what to do about the F. “So let’s work together to figure out what happened that prevented you from earning a grade that you could be proud of.” Notice I said so “you”, (meaning the child), could be proud of. NOT to live up to some parental expectation that mom or dad might have. It matters not if your parents are or are not proud of you. It only matters if you feel good about your efforts and your accomplishments.
What withholding love looks like to another manifests in a multitude of ways. It could include being disappointed in them, yelling, punishing, judging, etc. It could look like ghosting or creating distance between the two of you. It always has a negative emotion or emotions tied to it. And it nearly always if not always has some expectation tied to it that the other person didn’t live up to. Because of this we grow up learning how to withhold love from ourselves during the times we need it the most. During the times we trip and fall, fail, forget, or screw up in some way. Loving ourselves through these painful times is critical to our emotional I.Q. development, and yet, we rarely if ever love ourselves during these times. Instead we beat ourselves up, shame, blame, show disappointment in ourselves, criticize and judge, even binge eat, drink, do drugs or find some other way to emotionally check out so we don’t have to feel our own pain of disappointment. And guess what, when we can’t even love ourselves through our failures, how could we ever love another person through theirs? Especially if that other person’s failure caused us pain? We have been conditioned to live in a cycle of withholding love and then wondering why our relationships fail over time. We live in insanity that lacks compassion, patience, forgiveness, and emotional security and call that normal. And then when people preach forgiveness, compassion and patience, we call that weakness. But the real weakness is in the judging and shaming, of both ourselves and of others when we/they make a mistake. Power comes from love and from loving. When we start practicing how to love ourselves, by offering ourselves, patience, forgiveness and support, we then strengthen these skills and are more capable of showing them to other people when they don’t show up as their best selves. So when our partner, or our family member, child, friend, or even colleague does something that is unloving, we can offer the love that they are missing in those moments. How? Because we’ve practiced so much self love that we are powerful enough in love to make up for the lack of love being offered by that other person in this circumstance.
When someone does something unloving, what is missing? Uummm LOVE, obviously. If love is what’s missing in that person’s actions, attitude or behavior, why would you in turn, offer even more of what’s missing?! Reacting with judgment, hate, violence, separation, right/wrong mentality, superior/inferior mentality, self-righteousness or whatever else, is nothing more than a reflection of the lack of love that you are in that moment. They’ve already shown the lack of love that they embody. And by reacting in a judgmental, negative, hateful way, you’ve shown the very same thing. So, in reality, you are the same level of consciousness of the haters you hate.
You can set very strong boundaries with people from a place of love. In fact, the more loving you are to yourself; literally by how much you actually LOVE YOURSELF, equates to how powerful you are in your ability to set boundaries with others who need boundaries set with them. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you are nasty, judgmental, or superior. Unless of course, that’s the reflection of the actual level of consciousness that you currently embody. But a powerful person who embodies love; who truly loves themselves as a Divine Being, can easily set boundaries with others when needed and do so being completely free from judgment, anger, resentment, or any other aspect of human nature that is less than loving. You simply do what’s necessary (as an act of love towards yourself), and you have absolutely no attachment to it whatsoever. None. You don’t blame them for having to step up and set
boundaries. You simply do what you needed to do in the moment. This is an act of love. When you speak up for other people in the presence of oppression; whether it’s someone making a sexist remark or a racist comment, you are acting out of love. Now be careful. If you are in judgment of the person who made the snide remark, then you are not coming from the power of love, even though you spoke up. You are coming from judgment (among other things) and that means you are coming from ego. It is entirely possible to speak up and speak out about injustice and be in total peace in your heart. If you are not in peace, that’s a reflection of you, no one else. That’s a reflection of your current emotional I.Q. level; of your current level of consciousness. You can protest and feel nothing but peace in your heart. You can rise up and push to change a sexist and racist patriarchal diseased system and still have peace in your heart. You can “fight” against racist white men and not hate them. You can “fight” against sexist, misogynistic men and not carry hate and resentment in your heart for them. Hate and resentment is a reflection of YOU, not them. When you hate people who hate, aren’t you being just like them? Whether you want to admit it or not, you are. It’s just that your judgment and superiority looks different from theirs. And you can hide behind the fake mask of being a “good person”. When you turn a coin over and look at the other side, it looks different, but it’s still worth the same value. If you want a higher value you must become the higher value and rise above all the hate by not hating another.
This degree of self-honesty and self-reflection is the process of authentic awakening. And that’ s what we need most in this world right now . . . people who are actually awakening and not just more spiritual people. Being spiritual doesn’t mean you’re actually awakening. Authentic awakening equates to deep internal transformation. And that requires a level of self-honesty that most react to by running in the other direction. The willingness to look at every aspect of you that functions lower than
love, and the devotion to loving that aspect of you until it organically transcends to the level of love is the very simple process of authentic awakening. As you do this, you shift into a Presence that is so Powerful, nothing can affect you, but you in turn can affect anything and everything, simply by being you. The real You. The Divine You. This is what it means to “remember who you are” and to shift into your True Self. This is what self-mastery is all about.
Who’s ready to make this internal shift that will send ripples of transformation out into the world? If this is you, come join us at The Masters of Self where together, we can ignite authentic awakening in the world by authentically awakening ourselves.
“The Angel of Truth”
Modern Spiritual Teacher ~ Self-Mastery Coach